Peacemakers are people who breathe grace, inspired by the gospel – isn’t that what we all desire to be and do? Of course, “life situations” and “frustrations” jump in to attack us bringing us to wonder if we can truly be “at peace” with each other.
There are 3 ways to personally and privately (just between you and other party) resolve conflicts –
- Overlook an offense
- Reconciliation (reconcile personal and relational issues in a dispute)
- Negotiation (resolve material issues in a dispute)
Probably one of the most misunderstood is “Overlook an offense”.
What’s the basis of this overlooking? “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11) – this verse says it well. (see also Proverbs 12:16)
It usually applies when disputes are insignificant and probably should be overlooked quietly and with finality. Overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness –it involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.
But here’s the RUB: the real question is “CAN I overlook this offense?” That is where the struggle comes – the “should I” is easier than the “can I “.
As I have walked through managing conflict biblically with people, here is how I help them decide on the “should I overlook” in a particular situation. Ask yourself:
- Has anyone else (besides me) been harmed?
- Have you tried to overlook, but it just keeps coming up for you? And you chew on it?
- Will it be harmful for the person to not know that they offended you?
Has anyone else been harmed (besides you)? Then I recommend you do not overlook it. Ministering to the other person harmed by the situation is important. Plus it has become apparent to me after doing this work for so long that many Christians trying to be “good Christians” by not speaking or sharing –thinking they are following the “overlooking” mandate — have allowed damage by others to continue plus harm many others. There are ways to investigate the depth of the problem without gossiping or doing harm yourself.
Does it keep coming up (negatively) for you no matter how hard you try to “forget it”? Then that means you should deal with it more intentionally. I recommend working with a trusted spiritual advisor or a Christian conciliator asking them to help you work through “why” this issue is rearing it’s ugly head in your life and what redemptive ways you can respond. Ask them to join you in your prayers for the Lord’s wisdom and direction.
Will it be harmful for the person to not know that they offended you? This is a full spectrum starting with the person who is truly “amazed” that their words or actions were offensive – they need to know or hear from you. I liken it to the “if you had spinach between your teeth as you are preparing to go on stage for your big talk, wouldn’t a friend tell you about that?”
At the other end of the spectrum is the person who “doesn’t care” if they offended you (at least that is how you perceive it). If it is safe to do so, I still maintain that it is “loving” each other to share the harm done by the words or behaviors with the offender.
But again, I highly recommend walking through how you can deliver this most effectively and constructively with a trusted spiritual advisor or a Christian conciliator – pray for the Lord to lead you. “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7
Ken Sande wrote a full chapter on “Is This Really Worth Fighting Over?” in his book The Peacemaker and I highly recommend it. But he says it well when he points out that overlooking is not a passive process in which you stay silent for the moment but file away the offense for later use against someone. Instead, overlooking is an active process inspired by God’s mercy through the gospel – deliberately deciding not to talk about it, dwell on it or let it grow into bitterness.
Have hope – God is at work – “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Matthew 5:9.
P.S. If you need “a little help”, connect with me to walk it through together HERE.
