These words just don’t seem to go together – but actually they often NEED to go together.
Surprising, isn’t it? When you think of being a friend, it comes to mind easily to think of being comforting and gentle. But it often shows up in a Christian mediation process that we need to address this very difficult issue.
Why? Because somehow we think that as a part of being a Christian we adopt the cliché of “if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all”. But that does not square with scripture and Jesus’ teachings. More surprise?
The wounds of a friend are trustworthy,
but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.
Proverbs 27:6
As Henry Blackaby points out in his devotional Experiencing God Day by Day, Jesus never gave relief to people who were under conviction. He points out that when Zacchaeus was in remorse for his sin, Jesus brought no comfort to him as he dealt with it (Luke 19:1-10).
Neither did Jesus excuse disbelief. We never find him saying “Well, that’s all right. I know I’m asking you to believe a lot and that’s not easy.” On the contrary, Jesus quickly chastised His disciples when they failed to believe Him……and here is the point: Jesus loved His friends too much to condone or comfort them in their sin.
It is so tempting, isn’t it, to think it is impossible to be too gentle with your friends. So, when a friend is under deep conviction by the Holy Spirit, we want to give comfort. But Blackaby warns us NOT to try to ease the discomfort of someone whom the Holy Spirit is making uncomfortable! And we are to be careful not to communicate to our friends that we find their lack of faith acceptable.
Now…back to the “kicker” – You are not acting in true friendship if you condone disobedience or even if you look the other way. Kisses are far more pleasant than wounds…but they can be even more devastating if they lull your friend into being comfortable with sin.
We so want to please our friends, calm them… but actually, in our reluctance to share a word from God, we can actually cause great harm. It is the same as seeing our friend in danger and not warning them. (Ezekiel 33:6) We are a watchman for them and will be held accountable for our silence.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer in Life Together says it like this: Nothing can be more cruel than the tenderness that consigns another to his sin. Nothing can be more compassionate than the severe rebuke that calls a brother back from the path of sin.
But here’s the deal – this is tough, so HOW in the world can we speak? And with so much at stake – making or breaking our effectiveness in helping our friend – where do we get help with this? After all “severe rebuke” brings up a pretty ugly picture, doesn’t it?
First – I refer you back to a previous blog “Choose Your Words” which had the point helpful to 29-remember here: Only when words are both truthful and loving at the same time are they life-giving.
Next – We can take some guidance from Ephesians 4: 29-32. While it is worthy of much more in depth study, here are key takeaways:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk….” – key word is “let” – it is your choice what you say
“…but only what is helpful for building others up….”
“…according to their needs…”
“…that it may benefit those who listen.”
“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit…”
“Get rid of all bitterness…”
A pastor helped me greatly when he pulled this scripture together into 3 questions we can ask before we speak:
Is it kind?
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
These questions have helped me, yet I must warn you of a trap I fell into. I generally think of the word “kind” as being sweet and nice, but I believe the definition when coupled with Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s quote takes on a more robust meaning – truth delivered in a loving way with my heart seeking to benefit the other person as God would desire.
Jesus was truthful – he didn’t water it down – and He always acted because He loved the people. Yet He knew their hearts, and I don’t – so I have to lean on Him for that. And He may tell me my job may only be to love them and pray for them.
If you would like some help working through some “tough” talk or anything this blog brings to mind for you, get in touch. I am here to help with those kinds of things.
