One of the great privileges the Lord has provided me is to serve people as a Christian mediator (sometimes arbitrator and sometimes coach). I just finished a full day mediation with Godly people who were able to work through difficult “stuff” and come to a reconciling resolution of both substantive and relational conflict issues.
I must respect their anonymity so I will just pose the matter this way: a young teen whose parent worked at a Christian ministry and who herself attended many of the youth training functions and even mission trips of this ministry was, over 10 years ago, the target of a young but married team member employed by this ministry. He started grooming her in sexual talk, etc. and, as is typical, warned her against sharing anything about it. It frightened her and she could not speak up (beyond her sister and a peer of hers). It got much worse and was exacerbated in that his family was friends with hers and they did social functions together.
As has happened in other situations, a text was discovered and came to the attention of the man’s supervisor. It alerted them enough that a confronting occurred and there was a required meeting between him and the young teen with his apology delivered. Unfortunately, she felt pushed to forgive by scripture usage with those leading the effort having believed nothing further than the one text was involved.
Much occurred thereafter, unknown to the leadership, and the grooming did not stop but became more intense. But finally, with required counseling as the probable push, the perpetrator and his wife left the ministry and moved out of state. The counseling had provided more concern for leadership in that it identified that the man had problems but the exit of the man seemed to “solve” things for the ministry.
Ten years later, the young teen now in her early 20’s, posted on Facebook a bit of her story and her consternation with the ministry. Thankfully, this was brought to the attention of the leadership of the ministry and they were counseled by a Christian lawyer to reach out and ask for a process to deal with this situation. Again, thankfully, the young woman, who had moved out of state, agreed to come sit down in a mediation with the ministry leadership.
In the time of preparation of the parties for coming together in a joint meeting, I discovered how much damage had been done by the mis-use of scripture in this young woman’s life. She was a believer in God but scripture was just not something she considered instructive in her life. Her mother who now knew all that had occurred accompanied her in this mediation and provided a Christian perspective for her as best she could and had been doing since the harm had become apparent.
Part of the preparation I normally do involves reading and doing written response to scripture relative to the mediation process itself and the situation. As I followed that system, it brought out her story of how scripture was not instructive to her and, in fact, had been more of a “condemning” factor in her story so that it was disturbing to try to do that prep work. I quickly switched out the homework to a book I have shared with you in this blog, Habits of a Peacemaker by Steven T. Collis. He delivers biblical principles without scripture reference (as he explains wanting to reach ALL audiences). He talks more about “seeking inner peace” and “spiritual practices” being a force for calming and guiding one’s participation.
The first 3 “habits” were the preparation work. That led them to focus on intellectual humility so they could “reframe” the discussion toward the second habit of seeking real learning. That required listening and being open to discovering what was guiding the other person. And the third was to assume the best about people in the process.
This led to my request of the young woman to prepare a statement of her story, chronological and in detail for delivery at the joint meeting. Not wanting her to have to go through it all more than once, I had only learned enough about her story to help guide our process.
Jumping forward to our joint meeting. After opening with scripture reading around the room (which the young woman had approved) and the tone being set with the other Christians present, she read her many-paged detailed statement. The horrendous events were overwhelming as she walked everyone through what she had experienced. Needless to say, along with shock, sadness and tears in response, those present realized the enormity of the situation and the leadership realized what they had “missed” or “not known”, as the mother also affirmed had been true of her during the time it was occurring.
And we come to the big question everyone was faced with answering – should they have known? Of course, we are all wise in hindsight, but they had to truly look inside and say “should” I have been triggered, asked more, checked in….etc.? It has been on my mind since we finished this mediation.
And yes, I trust the Lord was in control all along the way – that He is the great reconciler and healer. But I know He wants us to be humble and learn throughout our time here on this earth. And this is the big lesson I see, and want to share with you – should we have known that those around us needed us to check in with them, sense their need for a caring inquiry and a listening ear? Certainly, in work and ministry settings, there is a much more focused need to be alert to warning signs and inquire.
I can report that the end of this mediation was a treasure for me to behold as everyone stepped up to do what needed to be done and relationships were restored and valued. I feel so privileged to have been able to be present to see it.
YET – I ask myself and I pose the question for you as well. As you look around you, tune in, at work or in friendships or within family, where is the Lord pointing you to be alert and available? “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John 13:34
And the story of the Good Samaritan comes to mind – as he came upon the beaten and robbed man laying on the road, stripped of his clothes, “He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine.” Then he put him on his donkey, took him to an inn and paid for his care and said he would return and pay any extra required. He saw what was obvious and responded.
As we look around us, are we looking with the eyes of the Lord? Are we asking Him for direction and ready to get involved? Or will we much later, after much harm is done, be saying “should I have known”?
