I met Lain Ehmann in a “breakthrough” session with her on the focus and wording for my online business – Journey Well: Heart Body & Soul. Her credentials in the copywriting field include working with Tony Robbins.
To my delight, I found her to be a strong, thoughtful and wise Christian. Thus, I later started following her podcast called “A More Beautiful Question” where she has excellent helps on relevant Christian topics.
Her recent email caught my attention: “… dealing with hurt and betrayal. Here’s what you can do TODAY in just 3 minutes to start healing:
- Spend one minute making a list of all the people who have hurt you.
- Spend two minutes making a list of all the people you’ve hurt—intentionally or not.
- Ask yourself: If you choose to carry list #1 with you, are you also willing to carry list #2? If not, THROW BOTH LISTS AWAY.
Do you get it? Each day, we are washed clean with the forgiveness and love of God….make no accounting of wrongs. Let’s offer others that same grace God offers us.”
She goes on in the podcast to talk about handling that pain, and what to do—and what NOT to do – when your feelings are hurt. I highly recommend you listen to the full podcast (they are only 25 minutes long) HERE.
Lain points out something that I have observed to be so true in my experience of working with people caught up in conflict – people keep asking “why” did they do that? Take a look at the way Psalm 41:9 describes the hurt:
Even my close friend,
someone I trusted,
one who shared my bread,
has turned against me.
Those who have been hurt or betrayed keep asking “why” but truly, knowing why might be nice, as Lain says, but she is not sure it would have helped. I can verify that even if they knew “why” it would not usually help, in my experience. Just as Lain says – we are broken people living in a broken world.
As she pointed out, Jesus was betrayed by Judas – and he knew that Judas was going to betray him as well as the “why” – but he still had to experience it. So maybe dwelling on the “why” is not really helpful.
And maybe you would say YOU would never do XX (whatever hurt you) to someone else – but can you really not think of any people you have hurt (intentionally or not) to put on List #2? I certainly could fill up that list. Scripture can really re-direct our focus:
“…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:23
“…and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors,” Matthew 6
These scriptures remind us of what is really important.
I think of 3 men meeting with me after a letter and angry accusations had flown back and forth between them. The 2 main parties had been through a mediation/arbitration with me years before – the pastor had brought his assistant pastor with him to this meeting (and I later realized the Lord orchestrated this circumstance).
At any rate, they were wanting to get the “definition” of a word used in the finalized written agreement from the previous mediation. Thankfully, I remembered that they had come up with that word – so I asked them what it meant to them. The contractor defined it and the pastor agreed.
Wait – that was too easy! And I knew they were both “engineer types” – my shorthand for “more logic-driven and less emotional recognition”. So I asked if that really settled things. Almost in unison, each said “I’m fine”. And I immediately responded, “no, you are NOT fine.” I was getting huge feedback from their stiffness and body language and grim faces.
When I dug for what was really going on, it finally came out that the contractor was very unhappy at a characterization made in the written letter sent to him by the pastor around the subject they brought to me. As soon as that came out, the assistant pastor looked up with an “oh, dear” face and started speaking. He explained that he had written that letter on behalf of the pastor and used the offending words. He immediately apologized. The pastor apologized for not being more careful in proofreading and both asked for forgiveness.
So now, the “why” had come out. But it was not over. The breakdown of the relationship over the intervening years had to be addressed – and we did that.
Thankfully, the past reconciliation made it much easier to get to forgiveness (which was given) and reconciliation. But the matter had been brewing for some time and the anger level reflected that. The recognition of sin, then repentance and finally forgiveness was required.
Knowing the “why” alone had not taken care of things. But the quick recognition and apology of the young assistant pastor was a great modeling and set the stage for the work between pastor and contractor. I knew they had been good friends in the past and they needed to get back to that friendship level.
I love Lain Ehmann’s direction in her podcast to take a minute to think about what you really want – an apology from the person? …just let them know how you feel? …have them change their behavior in the future? And be honest about what really is coming up – if you just want to hurt them because they hurt you….reconsider.
And recognize the path that kind of thinking leads you down – ending with having to disregard God’s direction to not repay evil with evil. Lain gives great advice to not respond immediately but give time – time for them to respond and time to pray through what God is leading you to do. I also totally agree with her to never do this by text or email. No matter how hard, do it in person.
The capstone to our topic comes from Brian Noble, CEO of Peacemaker Ministries, in his new devotional book Daily Wisdom for Peacemaking.
He points to this scripture….
Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. James 1:13-15
Brian deftly makes his point. “ ‘The devil made me do it!’ Really? Could it be that your own desires made you do it?” Take another look at the James passage and note the progression.
From the enticement “by his own desire” being conceived within, it goes on to give birth to sin which grows into fullness and brings death. That is pretty serious.
If you think you can slide past this, consider Brian’s major question at the end of his devotional – “Do you ever say, ‘I don’t feel like forgiving’?” Are you willing to risk your relationship with God? As Brian points out – believers can combat this by placing the Word of God above the desires of their hearts.
I highly recommend Brian’s devotional book – love the structure. Simplicity of God’s word applied in our lives. Click HERE
Do you have a broken relationship with which you are struggling? Brian poses this question in his devotional with a great reminder: The One who asks you to love your neighbors is the One who sent his Son to share our life and die an unspeakable death so that our records could be wiped clean. Remember the price Jesus paid for you and let his love flow through you to your neighbor.
It is my sincere prayer that the thought-provoking scriptures provided here will be of help to you in recognizing and resolving the hurts and betrayals that you may have experienced. But it is possible you may need someone to help guide and facilitate a process that helps you when the matter keeps coming up for you – and it just is not going away.
We are available for a free consultation to talk about what biblical options and trained people are available to you – click HERE to set up a convenient time to connect with us (my “team” of Ann Carey and me as seen on our website www.candymccune.com/soul)
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