Oh my! I just did it. I brought up what no one wants to talk about – dying.
But honestly, as I pulled together my course “Create A Life-Story in 3 Easy Steps Without the Overwhelm”, I not only heard but witnessed the reality that talking about a life ending, or death, is soooo uncomfortable for folks. And we get a bit unrealistic about it as well.
When I said something to a friend about her doing her life-story, she laughed and said “But I am not dead yet.” Just let that sink in a bit – so you think you’ll be able to do it “after” death??? Really?
OK, I have to own some thinking that is just as unrealistic – and I say it jokingly even though I am afraid I probably am buying in to it a bit, too. I say I have too many unfinished projects so surely the Lord won’t take me home yet! I think I just heard a chuckle upstairs in the clouds. Hmmm.
Yep, you know me – I had to do a little research. It was interesting. And nailed it. Here are a psychotherapist’s (Ashley Gerwig, MA, NCC) list of “Why We Don’t Talk About Death (But Should)”:
>>We don’t feel prepared –too much debt, not enough life insurance, no pre-planning. I can relate.
>>We don’t want to traumatize our loved ones –we think about how distressed we felt when we had to face the fact that our loved ones wouldn’t live forever — and we don’t want to upset those closest to us.
>>We fear a family dispute –talking about end-of-life planning, funeral wishes, inheritance matters when a financially irresponsible person is in the mix, wanting to be cremated when you know it will upset Aunt Sue — these can make tempers flare, feelings get hurt and impact relationships.
>>It makes us think about all we haven’t accomplished—we didn’t take that trip to Europe, finish a degree, learn that special skill we always wanted. These can prompt anxiety, sadness and even depression. He was so right when he shared that most of us subconsciously believe that we will live for a long time – regardless of our age or health. Thinking about mortality forces a self-evaluation of that.
>>We feel badly about asking loved ones to do work on our behalf—talking about death leads to discussions about work to be done afterward. Who must deal with all this? It requires time and energy and we feel badly about handing off all this work to someone – when we won’t be around to help!
>>It is unsettling to think about our mortality—health scares, attending funerals, seeing headlines about tragedies can put a spotlight on death that we really don’t want to think about. While the idea of living every day as if it’s your last might sound great in a song, a constant awareness of death can leave most of us feeling anxious and uncomfortable.
(I have to add my P.S. about my dear friend who just turned 89, still drives and takes her developmentally disabled son to play miniature golf on weekends – she says, as she smiles, that she can’t wait to get to Heaven. And we have had some great speculations about the experience of it all – so positive and at peace she is. I love it.)
And yes, I am working with my dear friend on getting her Life-Story told – she has an amazing one!
But let me address a few of those “uncomfortable” situations the psychotherapist outlined. As my testers were doing the Life-Story album of a loved one, or their own story, and as I worked on my own life-story, we all found surprising positives in reviewing life events and lessons and milestones.
In fact, one person got in touch with her sister to ask about their childhood home which she was putting in her Life-Story – she and the sister had not spoken in many years. Their connection was strained. But in contacting her sister and talking through past memories, they repaired and restored their relationship.
And a quote from one of the testers says it better than I can – “The Life-Story section really opened my eyes to so much understanding of my current life and values, based on my upbringing. It was truly amazing. Looking back made me fill in the blanks (or missing puzzle pieces) in my life….I also saw God’s love for me as I grew up, how he blessed me, protected me, and grew me.” Powerful work it is!
Wayne Dyer was an internationally renowned author and speaker in fields of self-development and spiritual growth. Over 4 decades of his career, he wrote more than 40 books, including 21 New York Times bestsellers; created many audio and video programs and appeared on thousands of TV and radio shows. Affectionately called the “father of motivation” by his fans, he inspired many.
Lance A. Casazza was one of those inspired by Dyer. Lance’s blog recited the Dyer quote which impacted me along with his story about it. He saw that Dyer was coming to speak at a college down the road from him and he was drawn by the topic Dyer was going to discuss, but he had to overcome many excuses to not go. And he went. Lance used a tool he had learned: when he listened to a speaker, his goal was to come away with one thing that he could apply in his life. And this event pushed him into making his own book a reality.
Recounting the event, Lance remembered Dyer speaking of a fable about a man who was unhappy with everything about his life. This man went back and forth to work, missing everything all around him and cursing all that was his life. In the end on his deathbed, he ponders the question of if he did it right. The man was contemplating what he had made of his life. Lance admitted he could not “do justice” to the full story but just shared his memory of it.
Yet what he heard next was something he had never thought about. And it is the quote that grabbed my attention. Dyer said, “Don’t let your music die inside of you. What music do you have to play?” That was the day Lance realized he HAD to write his book (Be the Hammer, Not the Nail).
What Lance added as his response is the powerful part. He shared that when he first heard this message, he was thinking about how he better do his book before something happened to him. Later, he realized the message was deeper than that. More important was the message that we all have music to play. We all have an instrument in the band that we play. By not letting your music die inside of you, you grow not only yourself, but the harmony of the band.
Just like you, the people I mentioned above were regular people (including Dyer) with a dream that they could help other people through their stories – that they could play in the band.
We all have a story – our life events and lessons learned. Sharing it not only grows yourself but enriches and inspires others — and that includes your family, friends and generations to come.
If you have ever thought about preserving your life-story, or the life-story of a loved one, the worst thing you can do now is to do nothing.
You need a plan. You need tools. You need guidance.
I am excited that we will be starting my “Create a Life-Story…” course this week with those who pre-ordered it in December. Yet some folks contacted me and said they were interested but missed the deadline. So I have opened the window only for a few days for immediate registration…if you are one of those, you can click HERE to check it out. Don’t delay.
