A few months ago I was asked by Christian Legal Society to review a book for them. They publish a quarterly journal which also has a few book reviews. I agreed. (I know, I know, this was supposed to be the season I was saying “no” to overwhelm. But I love to read.)
The title intrigued me – 10 Habits of a Peacemaker by Steven T. Collis.
OK, I have been a member for years and served a couple of times on the Board of the CLS. So they know my involvement with Ken Sande, his book Peacemaker, and my Christian Conciliation certification training through the Peacemaker Ministries. You know what I assumed – this was about Christian peacemaking work with which I was so familiar.
Nope – assumption was inaccurate. I am over halfway through the hardbound book and have listened to a YouTube interview of the author about the book. I am blown away by this man and his book! AND….
There is not a single scripture quoted in it!!
Let me give you the subtitle – 10 Habits to Change Our Potentially Toxic Conversations into Healthy Dialogues. Make no mistake – it is a book about building bridges and healing relationships.
So, I thought – where’s the scripture? Isn’t that the basis of peacemaking?
The glowing book reviews on the back cover are from a former president of the ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union), one from a Fellow at Brookings Institution, one from the former chair of the U.S. Commission on International Religious Freedom and a final promo review by a U.S. Court of Appeals Judge and Lecturer with Harvard Law School.
But the Introduction itself by the author, Steven T. Collis, adds the “coup de gras” to knocking me over in surprise – and yes, delight!
Steven says when most people hear what he does for living, they think he is insane. He is a law professor at a leading law school where he specializes in the First Amendment. He gets paid to discuss, full-time, the most pressing and divisive issues in our society: abortion, LGBTQ+ rights, racism, religious liberty, freedom of speech, academic freedom, the role of the media in our society, and constitutional law.
He travels all over the world, speaks to a whole range of audiences – media, academics, diplomats, foreign and domestic judges, high schoolers, religious leaders, college and graduate students, devout churchgoers, devoted atheists and agnostics…a full list going across the ideological spectrum.
But here is what he shared that hooked me – “…as of yet, neither I nor the people I speak with have experienced a negative outcome in our conversations. We have not been shouted down or cancelled. No one has pivoted on anyone in a rage. Our conversations have not devolved into shouting matches or accusations. In truth, they have always been productive. I often come away with a sense of mutual respect, having learned something new; and, hopefully, my interlocutors have felt the same. Together, almost always we have inched a bit closer to finding solutions to some of society’s most pressing problems.”
Blown away yet? Ok, I will share “Habit One” – it is, I believe, the key place to start.
Short title of Habit One is “Intellectual Humility and Reframing” and the author takes 18 pages to treat this subject properly. Trust me – by the end of this chapter, it is so much clearer than I can paint for you in these few words.
But let me give it a try. I love his beginning illustrative story – it sticks with me as the key thing for me to remember.
When he was 9, Steven lived in a time and a small town that sounds similar to where I grew up – and as my brother did, Steven believed it cool to spike up his hair with mousse. I am a bit older and my brother used butch wax. Plus his family shared a bathroom just as my family did. One day, after Steven used a generous portion of mousse massaging it into his hair and spiking it, feeling good, he exited the bathroom. His mom was nearby, sniffed the air and asked “What’s that smell?”
He answered that it was the mousse. She gasped, spun him around and pushed him back to the bathroom rinsing his head in the sink as fast and hard as she could. It turns out what he thought was mousse was actually Nair – his mom’s hair-removal product! Yes, within days he had patches of hair missing which lasted through the summer leaving anyone who saw him thinking he had some horrible disease.
The wisdom to pull and hold onto from this? Steven says “We get in trouble in life when we’re dealing with something we think we understand but don’t.”
Let this soak in. He says that if we want to engage in productive, healthy conversations with those close to us, the first step is for everyone involved to recognize how little they often know about many topics. He is soooo right! I have watched this through many years of mediations and trainings. He makes it clear that this is the starting point we need to have so we approach our interactions with others with a better perspective. OK, that’s our mindset, right?
Next. He says we must realize that conversations are more likely to deteriorate when participants are acting with too little information. I know we have all witnessed his illustration of this. If you want to guarantee a fight between 2 people, throw out a controversial subject about which neither knows much, then stand back and watch them take positions and try to justify them. I have watched so much defensiveness and digging in to positions like this – and no quarter given (or even heard).
Steven then spends the full chapter successfully illustrating his two stated goals: (1) to help you recognize the lack of knowledge in yourself and others (but mostly yourself); and (2) to provide you with a method for turning that recognition into a tool for constructive conversation.
As you can imagine, anyone reading his bio (especially lawyers) would say Steven is an out-of-sight expert in constitutional law, first amendment particularly. But he works through demonstrating that he knows only a fraction of what he could know about the First Amendment, and he makes the point that even if we might be an expert on a broad subject, we will not be an expert regarding someone else’s experiences. That gets us into the right frame of mind.
As he deftly demonstrates, being an expert just means you have that many more tools for doing the reframing that needs to occur – don’t showboat or be the know-it-all in the room. Instead, hold your fire and use your expertise to frame the conversation so you will get one step closer to a productive and enjoyable conversation (as opposed to a shouting match).
Habit One: Intellectual Humility & Reframing –
….means we remind ourselves how little we know and how much we still can learn about the topic at hand –
….and that we frame or reframe conversations to make them productive (acknowledge our lack of knowledge) –
….and we use our expertise wisely (leading to constructive discourse regarding solutions)
Yes – get the book – it is so worth it!
But WAIT! What about that lack of scripture? Yes, he addressed this in Habit 9: Seek Inner Peace. In this chapter, he says many peacemakers find inner peace through spiritual practices – and he goes into more depth on this as we who have come from a spiritual foundation in learning about peacemaking would recognize.
And here is where he shares that he wrote this book for everyone, regardless of whether they see themselves as spiritual or not and regardless of what religious beliefs they hold, he does not emphasize just one faith tradition. Plus he recognized that this Habit 9 may not resonate with those who do not value religion or are hostile to it.
So it pushed me even further to read (and probably re-read) his book as I know I need to have tough conversations with people of no spiritual leaning, or even hostility toward religion, as well as those who profess Christianity.
Of course, Blackaby to the rescue for me. The very same day as I struggled with the lack of scripture in Steven’s book, I was directed by Henry Blackaby’s devotional Experiencing God Day by Day to remember that as a Christian, I have everything I need to live a holy and abundant life. 2 Peter 1:3-11 starts with this great reminder:
“His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.”
And it suddenly came to me – I remember thinking as I viewed the YouTube interview by Kevin Miller of Steven T. Collis on the 10 Habits book 10 Habits Of A Peacemaker: Being Right vs Making A Difference with Steven T. Collis that Steven T. Collis exhibited an amazing calmness, respectful tone, and presence that I wish I had when entering a difficult conversation. And Blackaby reminded me that I can have that when I access, by faith, the qualities I have inherited through Christ – key one being self-control. God makes it available to me along with the qualities needed to be a peacemaker as outlined by Steven T. Collis. I just need to claim it – access it by faith and use it with the leadership of the Lord.
I pray this has blessed and inspired you as it has me!
