In working with believers who are in a strained or broken relationship situation, I observe exactly what Lain Ehmann describes below. She is a podcaster with whom I became acquainted when she assisted me in my online business using her extensive copywriting background (Tony Robbins and other big-name folks).
She is a radio host, speaker and writer and I found her to be a wise and practical Christian in touch with today’s world and struggles.
Here is how she introduced her podcast – and the topic I’m sharing with you today:
Lately, I’ve allowed myself to fall into spats on Facebook, particularly around the issue of the school district and somethings going on there that I’m very concerned about. And it doesn’t feel good.
Or rather, it feels good in the moment, but I soon find myself questioning not only what I said, but the way I said it – and if it was even making a difference. Just like an addict regretting the morning after, I was disgusted with myself and my behavior. The momentary rush from unleashing my tongue soon gave way to regret.
So when I feel convicted by the Holy Spirit, I start with the question I’ve been asking myself that led me to a place where my actions don’t line up with God’s plan. Then I want to see where I can change up that question to a better, more beautiful one.
In this case, when I’ve found myself going into these “discussions,” I’ve been asking myself, “How can I prove them wrong and convince them I’m right?”
I can commend Lain’s full podcast to you — the link is below. But in this episode, she touched on something that I have seen repeatedly as I coach or mediate around broken relationships. I love her technique and process in “changing the question” as she does self-examination with a Godly purpose.
This was her creative picture delivery of this message:
She made the point that she was a debater in high school and tends to jump into that mode. Of course, I have had to recognize my quick tendency to jump into my attorney mode –take the opposing argument, tear it apart, bullet-point the facts/evidence that “prove” my side and point it all out in rapid-fire response to my hearing an inaccuracy or “wrong” statement.
Yep, quite the steamroller fires up in my mind and out of my mouth in a heartbeat –and pretty soon I turn around and see all those “flattened” people I have just rolled over! Aaarrrggghh! Making people feel foolish, put down, hammered with my rhetoric – you won’t be finding those methods in your “sharing the Gospel” pamphlet, trust me!
And Lain said it so well – that is so prideful! No one ever has changed anyone’s belief by getting into a word war on the internet, on Twitter, in email debates and….yes, you guessed it, in personal relationships.
It just doesn’t work well. We are talking about the full-on debate, courtroom-type fired-up argument using strong passion and, unfortunately, rude or hurtful words spilling out and around the “proving up” of the argument.
In fact, the opposite usually happens, as Lain points out in her podcast. People dig in their heels because no one likes to be attacked. As she says, we could just say arguing on social media is just a waste of time so get off it – but we see the same conflict process in our daily relationship interactions.
And the topics Lain points out? You would recognize them. We as Christians are surrounded by people who disagree with us on religion, on the definition of what it means to be a woman, on the role of public education, on masks and vaccines and a million other things. We are in conflict constantly (just change the topics a bit for close relationships).
So really, if we paused a bit and reflected — instead of saying “how do I prove them wrong and convince them I am right”, perhaps it is a better question to ask “is this the right time and place to share the truth?” It should never be about me, about my ideas– it should be about God’s truth. And it definitely should not be about embarrassing other people.
I love Lain’s guidelines – she has learned to walk herself through these BEFORE she gets involved in an argument:
- As Christians, we are charged with speaking truth in love. Jesus changed lives (especially those that were close to him) because of His heart and unconditional love that changed people. She checks in relationships whether she can speak from that place of love instead of negativity and wanting to prove them wrong. See my blog on this HERE
- Consider whether the persons with whom we are engaging are believers. If it is another brother or sister in Christ – she approaches them as someone who is “with us” in Christ. With non-believers she reminds herself to remember that she was at one time deceived (Colossians 2:6-8) so she must act with compassion up to a point.
- She checks to see if the people with whom she is engaged are truly searching or just throwing hand grenades – trying to trap her – not seeking truth but instead trying to mess her up and prove she is wrong (like the Pharisees – setting a trap). If they are, she determines to avoid them. They are never going to be convinced by argument. And if they ask something directly, she answers them simply and without emotion, just factual. She considers there may be times where it may not be worth her time to respond. She remembers that sometimes the best thing to do is keep silent – referencing Matthew 7:6 (“….do not throw your pearls to pigs”).
- She asks herself if this engagement the best use of my time? Is it doing anything to further God’s kingdom? She wants to be strategic about where she spends her time and energy.
- Sometimes, she says, it is truly is a lost cause. While nothing is lost in God’s plan – she looks at Sodom & Gomorrah – God could have changed people’s hearts but they were so sinful, He chose to not do so. She felt same about Facebook last year – there was growing negativity and more shared against Christians and then one day she came to a decision to move on and spend her time and efforts elsewhere. She has not missed it honestly and has found a lot more time and energy available to her.
- She then asks – “Is my activity taking a toll on my mental health and my peace?” She experienced her blood pressure doubling and the ‘fight or flight kicking in when she was getting online. She says if you are stressed out, it is not worth the loss of your peace to get on to social media. For a time, she felt she was showing up on Facebook as a Christian and helping other Christians but then she started getting censored. More stress. Finally, she realized she had to decide if this was worth it. Is this the time and place she was called to be? Had to remind herself that Facebook was not the whole world. It can feel like it. Can spend a lot of time on it. Then she remembered — Jesus started His movement without the internet.
I wholeheartedly endorse her steps to thinking through whether or not to engage and HOW to engage before ever actually “engaging”. Yes, we can practice it enough to get it to be “autopilot”.
Lain added a great final thought: We are told as Christians to live in harmony – so seeking out discord is a sin in God’s eyes. If we are contributing to conflict – we need to recognize we are out of God’s will. We are to avoid quarrels. It does not draw people to us. Bottom line – you can’t bully someone or outlogic someone into our beliefs or to belief in God.
Her reframing of the question – and her steps in checking herself before engaging – are so helpful to me and I pray they will be the same for you. If you want to hear her full podcast, look for Episode#48 HERE
