“Why should I forgive them – after what they have done?” or “I can’t forgive them – they haven’t repented yet.” Or ….. so many other statements I have heard like this during biblical mediation or coaching work I do with others.
These statements pop up as “excuses” to not forgive and beg the first question “Why should I forgive?”
Good question to discuss – because it reveals a huge hurdle to people being reconciled to God (which is primary in the whole process) and then to living at peace with others. It is where people get “stuck”.
Yet we all learned to recite this in the Lord’s prayer…
And forgive us our debts,
As we also have forgiven our debtors. (Matthew 6:12)
Debts? I checked the definition out further by looking at Luke 11:4 where it makes it clear the reference is to “moral debts”, i.e. sins.
As Henry Blackaby has clearly laid out in his teachings, “the problem is that we seek changes by our own will”. And that means it is impossible … willpower alone just won’t cut it. Even Paul, author of so much Scripture, admitted “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (Romans 7:15) Boy, do I relate to that one!
So, what are we to do – and what will bring us to the point we are able to forgive?
I re-discovered a great resource on this topic – a book I needed to re-read and of which I needed to be reminded. I provided it to someone I was coaching – Total Forgiveness by R. T. Kendall. The subtitle is When everything in you wants to hold a grudge, point a finger and remember the pain, God wants you to lay it all aside.
The author states no one had ever talked to him like his Romanian friend when the friend said
“R.T., you must totally forgive them. Until you totally forgive them you will be in chains. Release them, and you will be released.”
R.T. shares that these are among the most important words anybody has ever personally shared with him – and then he cites “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” from Proverbs 27:6. So true.
Interestingly, he says he recalls so clearly what happened to him that he has vowed not to retell the story, but just says he had never been hurt so deeply, before or since. Plus the wrong he believed done to him affected just about every area of his life: his family, ministry, and his very sense of self-worth.
That alone – not retelling the story – spoke volumes to me. How much have I dwelled on such a story? And sought an army of people to stand alongside and agree with me? Yes, R.T. admits that he had only told his friend about the problem because he thought he would get sympathy from him, a man he deeply respected and who he thought would be on his side.
In fact, he thought his friend would put an arm around his shoulder and say “you are right to feel so angry! Tell me all about it. Get it out of your system.”
But no! R.T. says his friend compassionately but soberly rebuked him and would not let him off the hook.
I related so much to his statement that prior to his friend’s words to him, his unforgiving spirit had not really bothered him. Ouch. He said even if you had reminded him of Jesus’ words to “love one another” (John 13:35) or of the petition in the Lord’s Prayer, “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (did I mention he was an ordained pastor?), he says he would have replied “Of course I know about that.”
Now here I sadly relate also – he says at that point he would have shrugged and just assumed since nobody is perfect and we all sin in some measure every day, the bitterness in my heart was no worse than any other person’s transgression. Oh, yes, I can walk right alongside his thinking. Even to his statement that God, he thought, fully understood and sympathized with his particular circumstances.
Right!! R.T. says he “rationalized” his attitude and behavior. Oh, how good I am at that, as well.
So let’s return to my questions. ‘What are we to do?’– Blackaby says will power alone will not get you to forgiveness, and certainly not to “total forgiveness” referenced by R.T.
And ‘what will bring us to the point we are able to forgive?’ Isn’t that the question we truly need to answer and understand? And, I have to add that while I agree with Blackaby on willpower alone being inadequate, I do always want to look at ‘motivation’. And I mean digging down deeper than the surface ‘I ought to’ level all the way down to the ‘I want to’ level – that’s where I think our true actions get put into motion.
And yes, will power alone won’t cut it. But motivation in the right place drives us to follow the path laid out by R.T. in his book.
I must recommend his book to you for the full unfolding and understanding of ‘total forgiveness’. It is about total forgiveness even if there is not a restoration of the relationship. He explains so well how one must totally forgive those who will not be reconciled. No matter the horribleness of the offenses.
And why? Here I go to my theory of the ‘motivation’. R.T. says, and demonstrates, that the person who gains the most from forgiveness is the person who does the forgiving.
How much more can I say to challenge you to get this book – read it – let it soak in – and put it on your shelf for when you, like me, need a reminder! (or have a friend who needs you to speak into their life as a faithful friend)I pray for the result R.T. describes as changed lives for which there is no natural explanation. It means we release the bitterness in our hearts concerning what others have done. We enable God to move in and through us.
