As I am more actively involved in Christian mediation work again, and also presently walking alongside some folks struggling with conflict, I put myself into “refresher” mode on some of the basics.
One of the best resources in my library is Paul Tripp’s “Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands” which has the subtitle: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change. His “plainspeak” is why I so resonate with him – love it!
Unless I have had to work it through, it is not really something I can help someone else do – we all need help walking through conflict in our lives. Sadly, it shows up more frequently than we would like.
So as I went back to the “basics”, I was trying to address what is always important to me – clarity. How can I help someone in the confusion of conflict get clarity that helps them make sense of the conflict, of what is happening, why it is happening and what to do as a result.
And Tripp nailed it – here’s how he put the core issue:
Many of the people I counsel have little sense of … the thoughts, desires, and choices of the heart at the root of their personal difficulties. So they continue to blame people and situations, blind to the heart’s struggle that they bring to every situation of life. The gospel presents the war within (Romans 7 and James 4) as the primary target of God’s redemptive concern.
He presents us with 3 essential perspectives on the human struggle:
1st: Sense of Self
Our response to any situation is always shaped by our understanding of our identity. So…we need the gospel to inform and correct our definition of who we are and what our struggles are really about— they are deeper than the problems of our past, the difficulties in our present relationships, and the situations we face daily. We must go to the Heart which is where change needs to take place.
2nd: Sense of God
Sadly, we have blanked out our sense of the ever-present, always active, all-powerful, promise-keeping Redeemer who is the God of the gospel. And He is working in every situation to deliver us from bondage to sins of the heart and experience the richness He offers as the Forgiver, Reconciler, Deliverer, Comforter, and Restorer. In conflict, we lose sight of how close God is to us at any moment so we don’t reach out and find him when we have reached the end of our own wisdom and strength and feel little hope.
3rd: Sense of Process
The gospel declares that not only is God active, but it says what he is doing and how he is doing it. It is a progressive sanctification model which brings understanding of life and problems. As Tripp puts it, “His primary goal is not that I would experience present personal happiness. His goal is nothing short of my becoming a participant in his divine nature (2 Peter 1:4).”
Without understanding sin and the struggle within, and the presence and character of God along with his sanctifying process, life will not make sense.
When we lack wisdom, insight and practical clarity about ourselves and our situations, we become confused. And with confusion comes chaos and conflict.
So what about that “covet” word – what does it mean and what does it have to do with conflict?
Most everyone knows about the Ten Commandments as recorded in the biblical books of Exodus (ch. 20) and in Deuteronomy (ch. 5) – written by God on tablets, given to Moses to deliver to the people of Israel. These commandments are of fundamental importance in Judaism and Christianity.
They are still today looked upon as principles that form the basis of God’s universal and timeless standard of right and wrong. But so often they have difficult words that leave us saying…”What? What is that about?”
Like the tenth commandment which says “You shall not covet…anything that is your neighbor’s.” It lists several items there that belong to your neighbor, but to understand “covet” better is the real key.
I draw on a favorite preacher of mine, Tim Keller, for help with this. He defines “covet” as meaning to want something so intensely that you are discontent. He talked about those living in New York City (where he ministered) having to build this great identity – probably on achievement—and you can’t keep it up. Some crisis will bring it home and you will need to re-think your identity. It puts you on the brink…and you realize you need a savior.
He quotes John J. Davis, author of “Moses and the Gods of Egypt”, who gave insight this way –“covetousness has a psychologically degrading effect upon an individual”. It takes away contentment and rivets one’s attention on acquiring earthly and temporal toys rather than heavenly and eternal treasures. And that leaves only dissatisfaction (leading to blame-shifting and excusing – major ingredients in conflict).
So, Candy, give me some clarity. Ok, here is my core passage we work from when I am doing conflict work – and no, it isn’t easy and you won’t “like” it. But I hope it makes you think about any conflict you have had or are presently experiencing…and reach out for help walking it through to resolution. James 4:1-4 asks and answers “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” Then it talks all about “you” – darn, not the other guy!
It also says “You kill and covet….” There it is, that heinous word. Why do you do this? It says because you do not get what you want and….drum roll… you do not ask God with the right motives.
I pray this discussion is helpful to you, but I suggest, if it is not and you do want some insight and help, consider taking my brief “How Well Am I Managing This Conflict?” quiz HERE
